I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
