Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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