we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
