I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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