Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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