I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
