Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
