I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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