This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
