my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
