did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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