Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
