I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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