The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
