i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
mondays should just be called national damage control day
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
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