We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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