if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
