i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
