there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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