Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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