I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
