Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
