Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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