Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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