"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
