I'd wear matching sweaters with you
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
