I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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