Don't you send me to vm
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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