My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
