this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
