why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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