the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
