I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
barbara walters just said penis...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My dick has a subreddit
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
