I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
