There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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