there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
love makes seman taste better
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You've changed since you got that strap on
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
