I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
