Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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