nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
