Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
