Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
