he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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