be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Vodka?
Forever.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
