my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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