M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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