So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
