Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
