I didn't shave. On purpose
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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