that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
