I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
