I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
