and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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