she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm too high and old for this...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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