I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
